what a day... it's actually the usual life i have ever since i started my review... just had a pissing day on my way home co'z of the numerous guys i've encountered... guys who acted so ungentlemanly and who are such sissies... i hate these two guys who doesn't know how to fall in line in going out in the mrt station... they already know that the people are patiently waiting for their turn in putting their mrt tickets for exit... and these two guys, with their thick-skinned attitude, just suddenly butted between the lines... grrr... if only i could punch them...

and when i rode a jeepney going to the atc, i wasn't able to sit properly in the jeepney seat... why? co'z the ungentlemanlike men sat comfortably... i almost slipped but i tried to gain composure and waited patiently for me to get off from the jeepney... i also hated this guy who sat at the other side of the jeepney seat who looked as if he cared, i sneered co'z what the heck with his expression, he is somewhat proud and doesn't know how to give way...

most guys nowadays... i don't know... they are jerks... i guess it's really rare to see guys... real men who would offer a seat for women especially older women... i once witnessed two guys while on the bus who gave their seats for old women... it's cool of them... and it's really rare... 

co'z guys nowadays are such SHIMATA!!!

 

Title: I Didn't Mean To Make You Mine
Artist: Nina
Album: Nina

Don’t give me a second chance
It’ll be the same
You will be the consequence
And I will have the pain
You are something else
I have to survive
That is why I say
With tears in my eyes

I wish I never opened up my heart
I didn’t mean to love you baby
I wish I never let it get this far
I didn’t mean to love you baby
If I could have a single wish
I’d turn back time
I didn’t mean to make you
I didn’t mean to make you
Mine

Don’t look at me like I’m mad
I thought you would know
I was getting way too sad
It was gonna show
There was no way I could hide
I could hide the truth
So I took the risk
And fell for you

I wish I never opened up my heart
I didn’t mean to love you baby
I wish I never let it get this far
I didn’t mean to love you baby
If I could have a single wish
I’d turn back time
I didn’t mean to make you
I didn’t mean to make you
Mine

I didn’t mean to make you hold me
I didn’t mean to get so lonely
I didn’t mean to say all this to you
I didn’t mean to make you need me
I didn’t mean to love you like I do
Look at what we’ve put us through

this is the 2nd time he called just to sing me a song... this time, my fave... he sang trja's "your guardian angel"... i like hearing him sing... he makes me feel that 'kilig' feeling... i like him... you could say it's a crush thing... a sort of infatuation... who knows what he might play in my life... right now, i just like what is happening... just waiting though for the story to end 'again'... nice things happen but i know a romantic story will soon end... i don't know when but i just feel it will unless, we will still remain friends with no ends...

he really does have a suave voice... something i want to hear even into my sleep...

thanks for the sweet song... it made my heart thump...

hmmm... right now, i'm starting to like someone again... hopefully we could meet at baguio city for our oath taking...

i just like him... for now, that's how i feel

if ever there may be something... i hope it wouldn't end to another heartbreak...

well, good luck to me... hmmm... i don't know if he is the one... but i know he will play a role in my life...

i just hope he will continuously be the protagonist... i've lost someone... and now i met a new one...

i still have feelings for the other guy, but now i must move on... move on with life with somebody else...

i'm thankful to God  made it... knowing that i did took the risk to review for my nle at baguio city all by myself...

and not only i learned a lto from the review... but also i met a lot of people... good and inspiring people...

and experienced priceless moments there with my northcap mt. crest family...

i'm thankful i passed... and the risk to go to baguio was really worthwhile...

the people... the experience... the beautiful outcome of the exam...

i've got a lot of things to be thankful for... there may be things lost... and even person who walked out from my life... but i guess... even that's the case... the blessings are now overflowing...

this is just one big step... and i know having the license means big responsibilities...

fear... worries... anxieties... they may all come to me... bombard me... but i know... again... in my journey called lie -- an RN life... God is with me...

He has been with me ever since... and i can say by just giving Him your faith, trust, hope and love... everything is possible... and everyday is always a miracle...

whatever plans He have for me... i know i'll be able to do it with His continuous guidance and assistance...

i know i won't lose my track... i'll just have to hold on to Him...

yesterday, before i took my afternoon nap... i prayed to Him... i talked to Him heart to heart... i just realized i'm starting to cry... i really felt His presence... i felt He is listening to me... i told Him my dreams and aspirations... i told Him my heart's desires... and when i woke up... upon receing a text message from my lil sis rosie, when she told me the results were out... i immediately called my best friend to ask him check out the site (co'z my lil bro is doing his homeworks and i can't use the pc)... when my best friend von told me, the results were there in front of him... i immediately took over the pc, not minding anymore if i'll get into a fight with my bro...

the page opened very slow... i tried downloading the pdf files... upon download... i immediately opened it and searched for my surname... and my heart was pumping so hard.... and when i saw my name... i suddenly burst into tears... my best friend von heard me crying over the phone co'z we were talking about how slow the pages are opening...

it was a very touching moment for me... God heard my prayer... He knew my heart's desire... now i know i've got something to play... and i don't mind if i have a mission... it's God's calling...

i'm overwhelmed... up until now... i can feel God's loving presence... i know He is always watching me...

i'm happy... happy too for my HB friends co'z they all passed... also to my friends and batchmates...

thank you Lord God... ^___^

i feel very blessed... i dream to return back the goodness of God to others...

Lord God...

thank you so much...

i bring back all the glory to you...

^____^

whatever plans you have for me... i'll try my best to accomplish everything...

thank you so much... at last i'm now an RN...

Amen.

just feel blessed i guess...

whenever i got problems... it's God i would always talk to...

then my siblings then my friends...

i seldom tell my personal problems to my parents since it's one way of not making them worry too much...

anyway, just feeling alright... got the chance to finish watching bleach 137 and this other movie...

hmmm... i do believe that when you lost something, there's always a reason... and when something replaces that lost item, it'll be much more special... it can be compared to people, i think...

when someone walks out of your life... you'll meet other persons who will probably be greater than that person who walked out in your life or you just lost... but sometimes, some just comes back and plays again a part in your life... hmmm...

^_____^

just hearing the raindrops falling against the roof makes me wish that the rain would just start pouring...

hmmm... just finished watching episode 5 of first kiss...

one quote i like in this series is when the big brother said "love is definitely something that is born when no one is watching."

hmmm... i guess he's right...

i hope my other downloads would just finish soon so i could watch it already...

^____^

my best friend potz-kun went by to visit me... and also to tell his stories... and problems...

just happy he came by to talk things... really love my best friends... and i can say that for almost 8 years... he is somebody i could trust aside from my other best friends who i also consider my true friends... through thick or thin... they're always around...

well potz-kun just asked some pieces of advice about what he can do to cope up with the required hours of his practicum... i do hope he'll come up with the right decision and i do pray he'll be able to accomplish everything in the nick of time... since he is running for cum laude... i'm so proud of him... ^____^

well, if ever he would need help, i'll just be here... except if i know if it'll be illegal or something...

anyway, when he went home... i received a text from ryan... he's already in bacolod... he used a different number and i thought he wouldn't bother to reply again since he was using another person's mobile phone... anyway, just glad he was alright... and glad that he remembered to check on me...

i thought he would be staying forever in bacolod but to my relief, he told me he'll just be there till september... unless there would be someone who would stop him from going back... that guy... i bet he's looking for a girlfriend material there... but certainly i do hope he would return back in manila asap... co'z not only he still has my japanese book... but also i would surely miss him... i won't have anyone to visit again at makati if ever...

he's kind of weird tonight... he told me that if ever he wouldn't reply, it would only mean, he is already asleep... why? co'z he was drunk... i teased him that at least he was still able to text me even he was already drunk... weird... co'z knowing him, he really doesn't drink... he hates drinking... unless, he went out on a party or something... i'm beginning to imagine things weirdly... i just hope he'll meet a decent girl there if ever... /wah can't stand thinking if he'll fall into a trap... and i just hope he'll take good care of himself there... his vitamins and his health... it's still a puzzle to me why on earth would he get himself drunk?

he's really such a snob but it a very cute way in answering back... hmmm... he also asked me about the guy who broke my heart if we got back together and become ok again... i told him that i'm already single without any commitments to anybody and we became friends again... i wonder why he asked me that... probably, co'z he's so drunk he doesn't have anything to say...

he's asleep now... i just hope he's just alone...

oyasumi ryan-kun... come back soon... don't stay there... or else...

just can't sleep...

hmmm... i feel bothered by something...

heheheh...

probably the too much thumping of my heart...

tomorrow i think, ryan will be going back to bacolod...

oh well... my big bro...

had a chance to chat with ryan the other day... just learned that he just got back from bacolod and this coming wednesday, he'll be going back there again... but this time... he'll live there for good...

just sad...

sad... co'z i won't be seeing him again... i know we don't see each other that often but i know he's just close by...

but now, he'll be far away... aside from the jacket i gave him... i hope i could give him something before he leaves...

just happy co'z i was able to treat him before my birthday when i went to visit him at makati...

i'll miss him...

he's been like a big brother to me...

i hope he'll take good care of himself...

no matter how much i love this person... and no matter how much i want to continue loving him... i just have to stop... just in order for me to remain by his side... as a friend... no more... no less...

i can't do anything co'z i'm just his friend...

i love him more than that (and i thought he also did) but i'm just his friend... someone he could open up the heartache that he just experienced...

all i can do is just love him silently until this feeling will soon vanish and never again be awakened...

i love him... if only he has the time to look inside my heart....

i need to eliminate the memories and the feelings i have for him... just to continue to remain by his side... to be there for him without any feelings that are more than a friend...

just want to be there for him just the friend he wants me to be...

i love him... but his heart would never be mine for i know it is still his gf that he yearns for... even from the beginning... even from the start that he thought he loves me more than just a friend... but it was actually his gf that he sees in me... especially now that i know, his gf told me that in some way we were similar...

now that they broke off... all i can do is just pray for my mind to forget the memories... and for my heart to forget the love i have for him... and to pray for their happiness... that soon they'll get back again... to fix their differences... to talk out things and understand each other...

after hearing the girl's story... no doubt, she is the only one who could handle him and understand him... i envy the girl co'z of the knowledge she has about him... the understanding and patience she has for him... that i can conclude... she really does love him... that love i can never replace with my love... my love can't be compared with her...

just to remain by his side... i give up the memories we had... the feelings i had.... just to continue to be the 'friend' i always was...

it doesn't matter anymore... just a 'friend'... no more... no less...

i shed tears again... i got tempted to read the messages he sent me last nle review... got to read back the old conversations we had... feelings...  topics that made me cry... about his confessions... about the time he held the hand of the girl he had fallen in love with... and how much he loved that girl...

i'm just not sure anymore if those were all lies... just tactics to get that girl tell him the truth on how she feels towards him...

if those words said were all just lies (even he said he never lied)... how can i be sure?

a part of me still believes yet another already started to doubt...

not even sure if those were words were meant for that girl who fell in love with him, one summer day during the review...

probably those words were just heard from a dream...

i don't know...

i kept reading... until i was crying again... crying co'z i don't know what to believe in anymore... those words... those confessions...

were all those really the truth? which part were all just lies?

whatever i would choose to believe in... it will surely affect my way of thinking...

if i decide to believe those were the truth... i know the feelings will never be gone... i will still continue to hope the fairy tale will have a happy ending...

but if i decide to believe those were lies... i can move on... move on and never look back and won't remember that it happened... i can live my life... i can continue to be his friend if he needs one... co'z there will be no commitments anymore... no more hoping co'z those promises were made to be broken... besides... in the first place... his heart was never mine... it never did...

i just helped him realized that... he once told me "at least we tried"... but my answer was... we never even started at all... co'z there wasn't even something to begin with... and i guess i was right... there wasn't at all...

the last time i told him personally that i love him... i think he replied co'z he was force to say it... why? co'z now i realized that there wasn't really anything or i mean he just loves me as a friend... i was stupid not to be that sensitive... and i wans't even to read between the lines... i should have analyzed things... what was done can never be again changed...

just really want to go numb...

dear Lord God,

i entrust to you everything... everything... i'm surrendering all of my memories and feelings i had with that guy...

i do pray that i'll be released and be able to have freedom...

i pray... please make me forget the wonderful memories...

i pray... please take away the feelings i have for him...

if i need to play a role in his life once more... please make me remain as the friend he needs... no more, no less...

please take all of my memories and my feelings... i just want to be released from his shadows... from the past i had once with him...

if i have to remain as a friend, just merely by being that kind of person... please help me to perform my role well...

and please help me not to fall in love again with a person who just plans to use me as 'panakip butas'...

thank you Lord God...

Amen.

love... falling in love... falling out love...

what is really the meaning of love?

it differs actually from one person to another... it just depends on their situation they are in...

love for me...

i can say i was a fool of loving this guy sincerely... but i guess that was just normal when you're in love... when you're honestly madly and deeply in love with someone who you have thought will be the only one you will truly love and nobody else but just that person... the love i felt for him was overflowing that i dreamt to be with him forever... dreamt that i will marry him and remain at his side forever... i was contented with him... so contented that i forgot my standards... i forgot co'z i was in love... and i loved him so much and trusted so much that he will protect my heart from breaking co'z i never thought he will be the same just like the other guys i met in my life... he was just like them... who broke my heart into pieces... worse i guess since he was also one of my friends... everything shattered when i learned about the truth about him and his hidden agenda... dreams became nightmares...

the pure feelings i had once for him became ambivalent feelings... ambivalent... not sure of what i should feel for him after all those things i've learned and realized...

pity... hatred... forgiveness... care... love??? i'm not sure...

i'm still in the process of forgetting... forgetting the wonderful memories we shared... memories i cherished that i thought we would continue making beautiful memories... but i assumed too much... expected too much... that everything will be alright... but everything turned upside down... even the feelings i have for him... i'm still in the process of burying them all in the abyss of nothingness... co'z i know,if i continue clinging to these feelings... i won't be able to move on with my life... even with the memories... the more i would continue to remember them, the more misreable i can become... the more these memories will hurt me... co'z i know in those memories i had with him... those feelings he had with me... were just merely not meant for me... but to somebody else... it saddens me of that truth... of that realization... but i can't do anything co'z that's the truth... the sad truth too was that i became a 'panakip butas'to the emptiness he felt that time... if only i knew, it was somebody else who could fill that emptiness... i tried to work hard to fill that... but only to realize that it wasn't really me who he needs, but that other person...

i became a fool... co'z i loved too much... normal... but painful... painful to learn that you loved honestly and sincerely but the love you gave wasn't reciprocated in kind... it was unrequited... sadness and emptiness filled me when i learned of the truth and realized the mistakes i made... hpefully i won't make the same mistakes again... i'm tired of the same story repeating itself... i need to stop doing this to me...

it would be unfair if i continue to love someone who will never love me back the way i do... it would be unfair to love someone who would love me less when i needed more... it would be unfair to love someone who told you he loves you more as a friend, but when he realized that he still loves that other person, it was too late for him to tell you that the feelings he has for you was just mistakenly thought of as the romantic kind of love, that he still sees you as a friend but not more than that... it's unfair to love someone who will never be with you... who will never give his heart to you... it's unfair to love someone who you thought loves you but deep inside his mind and heart, it was a different person that he keeps on thinking... it was a different person who his heart keeps on beating...

i realized even it's too painful for me... i realized it wasn't really me that he sees when i'm with him... it wasn't really me that he says 'i love you'... it wasn't me either when he told me i'm special... for now i know... it was 'her'... not me...

i might have played a big role in their story... i might have made him happy... i guess i played my role very well that i made him realized he still loves her than me... i guess i played my role too well that he has to keep things to himself and tried to hide the truth from me... he was good at it co'z i fell... fell in love... in the end... i was still the 'panakip butas'... a role i never ever want to play again... hard... kind of used to it... but i don't want to be in that role again... never again...

love is really different from the views of different people... some may be happy but to those who are hurt... it's a curse... a nightmare...

for me, i'm still hoping that someday i'll find that special person who will love me back... honestly, sincerely, truthfully... and would not use me as a 'panakip butas'...

i believe that i'll soon see that shounen destined for me... ^_____^